My Mother, Shirley Kasten
On the 8th anniversary of her passing
This year my mother's yahrzeit corresponded closely with the American holiday of Mothers' Day. My Facebook page was filled with sentimental postings about the Importance of Motherhood; sweet, tear-jerking songs about mother-angels; and photos of flowers. I am reminded of what my mother, Shirley Kasten, had to say about Mothers' Day: "Don't bring me a present for Mothers' Day! I'm AGAINST Mothers' Day! I think EVERY day should be Mothers' Day, and instead of wasting good money on flowers and "chachkes" I want a much better present: that you should all be good children!"
Were we always "good children"? Certainly not. Who do you know who is always good?! But Mom always loved us anyway. She even insisted (to other people at least!) that we really WERE very good kids!
Thinking about yahrzeits started me musing about Mom mourning Marsha, her eldest daughter. I started writing about a sad interaction we had about a year before Mom's death; but I decided I didn't want to go there! Younger relatives, like Stacy's son Justin, may only remember Mom as she was in her last years: sick, worried, and never quite recovered from her tragic loss. Today's special mitzva is to tell you about Mom when she was young, dynamic, happy and beautiful.
Mom wanted to have fun! And she wanted US to have fun, too! There were lavish birthday parties with beautiful cake, decorated yard, funny hats, lots of candy, shiny presents and pretty dresses. Other kids always marvelled at how pretty Mom was and how nice she fixed up our yard for my Aug. 2 birthday.
There were amusement parks with rides that were a little scary and very noisy. The day usually ended with grownups yelling and at least one kid crying; but still, we all remembered the day as being exciting and fun. The photos show two, and later three little kids riding little cars, waving. Other photos show lakesides, picnics, and tables laden with goodies.
My parents disagreed about some things. One thing they agreed upon was that they wanted to give their kids... that's us, ME!... everything they never had. They never let us know how much they had to work, scrimp and save, to provide this fun.
Mom & Dad were good dancers, and they loved to dance. This was one activity that they could share without the impediment of cultural differences. They enjoyed each other's grace, and felt happy to be able to share good times together. They once won a trophy in a dance contest at the Delano Hotel in Montecello, NY. I showed that trophy off to my friends, insisting it was real gold and that it meant that MY parents were the BEST dancers in the world!
They say that in the heart of every grownup, there lives an Inner Child who still wants to cuddle and play. My Inner Child still admires the strong and happy grownups that my parents were when they danced at a barmitzva or a wedding! Though I know that the trophy was not gold and my parents were not the World's Best Dancers, still, to me, they were always The Best!
The Great Depression left it's mark on many people of that generation. Some people became very stingy, still trying to get out of the economic rut decades after it was long gone. Most people, Mom included, saved all kinds of objects, hoping to be able to use them again someday. Mom had dreamed of having lots of beautiful, colorful clothes, and she fulfilled that dream. Oh, how she LOVED nice clothes, and well-decorated surroundings! Mom also had an Inner Child, who wanted to look beautiful! And she did! She wanted her daughters to be beautiful too! That was a bit harder, but she tried... The 1960s and 70s were years of rebellion and feminism; I was not always co-operative in Mom's efforts to doll me up. I had been brought up in opulant surroundings and I was not impressed. My hutzpa was not on the level of some of my peers; I had never taken drugs or run off to the Summer of Peace and Love in San Francisco. Still, there was enough hutzpa there to make life pretty uncomfortable for both of our parents. Mom gulped hard and assured Dad that having a big mouth was normal behavior for American teenagers, and nothing to worry about. We would all grow up OK... (Dad had no idea what was normal adolescent behavior; he himself had been hiding from enemies in a forest at that age!)
Today, I am still wearing clothes that Mom bought me or passed on to me. I still have furniture which she shipped when they made aliyah. I often wonder to myself what I really like and what I just keep out of inertia and nostalgia. I never develped my own style of dress or decoration. I was involved in Survival: getting food on the table for my 8 kids and cleaning out the barn... uh, I mean... house! I made sure the garbage and laundry never exceeded a certain volume; that the kids mostly got where they were supposed to go and did more-or-less what they were supposed to do; and that nobody killed any of their siblings. At work I wiped little noses and tied little shoes, changed yet another batch of diapers and washed yet another floor. I learned Hebrew kindergarten songs, and danced in a circle with cute Israeli kids. My neighbors became my surrogate family and I got MY childhood wish, which had nothing to do with beautiful clothes: I felt like I really belonged where I was!
Mom loved Kochav HaShachar. She said it reminded her of the Catskills, and I guess she was right. Now she is buried in the Kochav HaShachar cemetary, with Dad's grave next to hers. Picturesque hills surround the area. She can't tell me, but I believe she would have liked the spot. Other people buried in Kochav HaShachar include at least one lady she knew and liked; 3 people, each of them young and full of good deeds and much promise, who were killed by terrorists in separate attacks in various parts of the country; some old people (and one toddler!) who died after long illnesses; and people who, like Marsha, died suddenly, with no warning. Mom's earthly memorial is in the best of company, and in Heaven she is surely re-united with both Marsha and Dad, and her own parents and brothers. They don't fight in Heaven, folks! That's part of what Heaven is about!, so tradition has it...
A yahrzeit is the aniversary of a Jew's death. We miss Mom, of course; but we re-affirm our belief that the soul is eternal. That means that Mom is celebrating her birthday in the Other World, and our "birthday present" to her are whatever good deeds we do on this Side. Yeah, Mom! We will TRY to be good kids...
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Adar-Nisan is a busy time!
Hi family!
It's been a busy few weeks!
We've had happy times and sad times.
March 1,2015 we celebrated the bat-mitzva of my grandaughter Shira Friedman, daughter of Shalom and Elisheva. She is their eldest daughter. The party was in the community hall of their settlement, Yitzhar. The girls mixed natural skin cream and put it in little jars as party favors. There was music & dancing and of course, words of Torah. It was an all-girl event (her little brothers were there, & daddy, Shalom).
The next day was the wedding of a different Elisheva: our good friend Yehudit Yazersky and her ex-husband Shimon Yazersky's eldest daughter, Elisheva Yazersky got married. The husband's name is Arieh. Sorry, I can't remember his last name which is Slavic and long. The wedding was beautiful. They are such a good couple!
Then it was Purim! Always merry!
Then I started in with Pesach cleaning. Yehoshua & I are doing it solo for the first time in decades, since all our kids are married and working on their own houses. We also had to find out who would be here, or maybe even, if we would go to one of the kids. Well, it's finally been decided, based on OTHER events... including a preganancy, Elisheva's...
Her due date: Pesach! The plan: they'll go to Elisheva's mother, Rachel Leibman, in Jerusalem. (Her late father, Rabbi Menachem Liebman, passed away in 2005) Going to grandma Rachel was a reasonable "game plan" which would ensure easy access to a hospital and a someone to mind the other 7 kids. Good! Out of 8 of our adult "children" at least one had a straight & simple answer, early. Well, Mazal Tov! Elisheva gave birth this Wednesday, March 25, 2015, to a girl! Now they will still be going to Rachel Leibman for Pesach, but coming to us this Shabbat.
We spent a Shabbat at our second son Binyamin. His wife Zofit made us very welcome in their home in Jerusalem.
We spent another Shabbat at our third son, Nachshon. His wife Sara, welcomed us at their home in Tapuach. I spent most of Shabbat catching up with Sara's mother, Debbie Niskin. Debbie lives in Florida, and remembers my parents well. She often comes between Purim and Pesach to help Sara get ready for Pesach. Then she goes back to Florida to make a seder for her other kids, three grown-up "boys". What a great mommy she is!
(My Mom told me that, in the eyes of a mother, they are always "children"; and I guess she was right!)
Last week, we had a tragedy: Zofit's (Binyamin's wife) father, Ezra Chabra, passed away at the age of 67! He had had a heart attack a while back, but nobody expected him to die so young. Zofit got up from the shiva this morning. They will make the Pesach seder at the home of Zofit's widowed mother, Mazal Chabra. Zofit's siblings and their families will also be there. It is a Yemenite custom that the children should come to the surviving parent for Shabbat for the first 4 Sabbaths after a death. Ezra was an awesome man, full of warmth and optimism! His branch of their family had remained most faithful to their Jewish traditions, even as they became quite "modern" in other ways. Ezra had lived through important milestones in Israeli history. His mother, who is still alive (she's in her 80's), told me an AMAZING story at Binyamin & Zofit's engagement party 15 years ago: She came to Israel in the 1950s as the young mother of Ezra. A VERY young mother! Would y'all believe, about 14? Yup! They married young in Yemen, in order to avoid getting kidnapped by the local gentiles. They lived in extended families, and continued to obey their parents (or their in-laws); but they were married, fair & square, and had kids to show for it! So she settles in Israel, and discovers, to her surprise, that here in Israel, girls go to school. Girls also learn to read, not just boys! Girls not much younger than herself were going to school! She wanted to go to school, too! Her elders laughed at such a silly idea; "You have a baby to take care of! Housework to do! You don't need no SCHOOL! Waddya gonna do, sit there with the 6 year olds?! They probably won't let you come, holding a baby..." Well, they let her come! The teacher let her sit on a desktop in the back of the room, and she promised to keep Ezra quiet. She learned to read. Guess what?! When the family got official mail, they brought the letters to her to figure out what they were about. (Yes, all the men knew how to read Biblical Hebrew; but that doesn't help much when you get a letter from, say, the electric company!)
In the 1970's when Ezra & Mazal had their first son, Eran, Ezra was working in the Sinai on the gas pipeline. In those days before cellphones, it took several days to inform him that mazal tov! It's a boy!
Oh Ezra! You will be sorely missed!
The final rundown on our Pesach plans: We are DEFINATELY home! We ARE making a seder here! Attending will be: our son Nachson and his family; our daughter Ayala and her family; Yehudit Yazersky (almost like family); and Adrian Sacks and his family. Adrian Sacks is my husband Yehoshua's second cousin. They just made aliya about 4 months ago, and live in ...... ( I forgot where, and Yehoshua went to sleep so he can't remind me! It's on the coast between Tel Aviv and Haifa) His wife had a baby girl last Wednesday!
Happy Pesach, folks!
It's been a busy few weeks!
We've had happy times and sad times.
March 1,2015 we celebrated the bat-mitzva of my grandaughter Shira Friedman, daughter of Shalom and Elisheva. She is their eldest daughter. The party was in the community hall of their settlement, Yitzhar. The girls mixed natural skin cream and put it in little jars as party favors. There was music & dancing and of course, words of Torah. It was an all-girl event (her little brothers were there, & daddy, Shalom).
The next day was the wedding of a different Elisheva: our good friend Yehudit Yazersky and her ex-husband Shimon Yazersky's eldest daughter, Elisheva Yazersky got married. The husband's name is Arieh. Sorry, I can't remember his last name which is Slavic and long. The wedding was beautiful. They are such a good couple!
Then it was Purim! Always merry!
Then I started in with Pesach cleaning. Yehoshua & I are doing it solo for the first time in decades, since all our kids are married and working on their own houses. We also had to find out who would be here, or maybe even, if we would go to one of the kids. Well, it's finally been decided, based on OTHER events... including a preganancy, Elisheva's...
Her due date: Pesach! The plan: they'll go to Elisheva's mother, Rachel Leibman, in Jerusalem. (Her late father, Rabbi Menachem Liebman, passed away in 2005) Going to grandma Rachel was a reasonable "game plan" which would ensure easy access to a hospital and a someone to mind the other 7 kids. Good! Out of 8 of our adult "children" at least one had a straight & simple answer, early. Well, Mazal Tov! Elisheva gave birth this Wednesday, March 25, 2015, to a girl! Now they will still be going to Rachel Leibman for Pesach, but coming to us this Shabbat.
We spent a Shabbat at our second son Binyamin. His wife Zofit made us very welcome in their home in Jerusalem.
We spent another Shabbat at our third son, Nachshon. His wife Sara, welcomed us at their home in Tapuach. I spent most of Shabbat catching up with Sara's mother, Debbie Niskin. Debbie lives in Florida, and remembers my parents well. She often comes between Purim and Pesach to help Sara get ready for Pesach. Then she goes back to Florida to make a seder for her other kids, three grown-up "boys". What a great mommy she is!
(My Mom told me that, in the eyes of a mother, they are always "children"; and I guess she was right!)
Last week, we had a tragedy: Zofit's (Binyamin's wife) father, Ezra Chabra, passed away at the age of 67! He had had a heart attack a while back, but nobody expected him to die so young. Zofit got up from the shiva this morning. They will make the Pesach seder at the home of Zofit's widowed mother, Mazal Chabra. Zofit's siblings and their families will also be there. It is a Yemenite custom that the children should come to the surviving parent for Shabbat for the first 4 Sabbaths after a death. Ezra was an awesome man, full of warmth and optimism! His branch of their family had remained most faithful to their Jewish traditions, even as they became quite "modern" in other ways. Ezra had lived through important milestones in Israeli history. His mother, who is still alive (she's in her 80's), told me an AMAZING story at Binyamin & Zofit's engagement party 15 years ago: She came to Israel in the 1950s as the young mother of Ezra. A VERY young mother! Would y'all believe, about 14? Yup! They married young in Yemen, in order to avoid getting kidnapped by the local gentiles. They lived in extended families, and continued to obey their parents (or their in-laws); but they were married, fair & square, and had kids to show for it! So she settles in Israel, and discovers, to her surprise, that here in Israel, girls go to school. Girls also learn to read, not just boys! Girls not much younger than herself were going to school! She wanted to go to school, too! Her elders laughed at such a silly idea; "You have a baby to take care of! Housework to do! You don't need no SCHOOL! Waddya gonna do, sit there with the 6 year olds?! They probably won't let you come, holding a baby..." Well, they let her come! The teacher let her sit on a desktop in the back of the room, and she promised to keep Ezra quiet. She learned to read. Guess what?! When the family got official mail, they brought the letters to her to figure out what they were about. (Yes, all the men knew how to read Biblical Hebrew; but that doesn't help much when you get a letter from, say, the electric company!)
In the 1970's when Ezra & Mazal had their first son, Eran, Ezra was working in the Sinai on the gas pipeline. In those days before cellphones, it took several days to inform him that mazal tov! It's a boy!
Oh Ezra! You will be sorely missed!
The final rundown on our Pesach plans: We are DEFINATELY home! We ARE making a seder here! Attending will be: our son Nachson and his family; our daughter Ayala and her family; Yehudit Yazersky (almost like family); and Adrian Sacks and his family. Adrian Sacks is my husband Yehoshua's second cousin. They just made aliya about 4 months ago, and live in ...... ( I forgot where, and Yehoshua went to sleep so he can't remind me! It's on the coast between Tel Aviv and Haifa) His wife had a baby girl last Wednesday!
Happy Pesach, folks!
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